Nobody warns you about the waiting.
The freedom, yes. They tell you about that. "You can do anything." "It's your time now." "No more Monday mornings." What they don't mention is that you've spent so long operating within a permission structure that freedom, at first, just feels like an absence. Not a presence.
For forty-six years I commanded vessels. The operational structure was total and continuous. Every movement existed within a framework of accountability. Someone always knew where I was, what I was doing, and what would happen if I didn't return when expected. This is not a complaint — it's a description of how command works. The accountability was the architecture. It organised everything.
Retire from command, and the architecture comes down. What's left is unstructured time — which sounds wonderful, and eventually is, but first has to be navigated by a person who has no particular experience of operating without structure.
Three months into retirement, I stood at my own front door for approximately twenty minutes, unable to leave for a walk because I couldn't identify who I needed to inform of my departure. The answer was nobody. There was no watch to notify, no officer expecting a handover, no departure time logged with anyone. Just a coastal path and a pair of boots.
I eventually told a seagull. It was unimpressed, which was the right response.
The adjustment is real and it doesn't resolve quickly. The person who spent forty-six years operating within continuous accountability structures doesn't immediately embrace unstructured freedom. The permission-seeking is reflexive, not nostalgic.
What comes out the other side is worth the adjustment. The mornings when the old machinery doesn't start. The walks that change direction without paperwork. Time that belongs to no schedule and requires no log entry.
I'm still working out who I was waiting for permission from. This week's piece is the honest account of what that waiting looks like and what it eventually becomes.
Free on Substack — because some things should be available to everyone currently standing somewhere, waiting.
https://theoldgreythinker.substack.com/p/i-caught-myself-waiting-for-permission
If you need help giving yourself permission to stop waiting: greythinker.gumroad.com/l/khidv
If the writing helped, some readers buy me a Pot of Yorkshire Tea. I’m English and run my days on tea. It’s one of the ways I keep this work independent. I appreciate every kindness — truly.